The Five Most Logical Trade Scenarios For Mookie Betts

Mookie Betts’ (pictured above attempting to frighten recently shot local hero David Ortiz) time in Boston is up. You know it, I know it, we all know it. He’s said things on the record like, “I’d like to wait until I hit free agency to talk about my contract,” which is all but a death blow for a small market team like the *checks notes* Boston Red Sox. Plus, when you factor in things like the fact that he’ll be 30 years old some day, you’ve really gotta wonder why he was even still on the team this season. Now I’m starting to understand why Dombrowski was fired, keeping an aging malcontent like this around for so long.

So rather than fight the inevitable, I’ve put my GM hat firmly on my head and searched near, far, narrow and wide to find the five most palatable deals for both the Boston Red Sox as well as the team acquiring Mookie Betts. No funny business here so if you came to laugh, chuckle or even guffaw then fucking hit the bricks buddy boy.

1. Mookie Betts For Kyle Schwarber and Craig Kimbrel
Kyle Schwarber would MASH at Fenway and would become and instant fan favorite. The last time the Red Sox went into an offseason in search of a new fan favorite they signed Pablo Sandoval. Hard to say that didn’t work considering the Sox won a World Series during the duration of Pablo’s contract. Also, the Red Sox bullpen stinks out loud and could use a closer like Kimbrel. Call it a hunch but I think that guy at the back of the Sox pen would be the perfect addition.

2. Mookie Betts For Manuel Margot and Anderson Espinoza
The name of the game when trading a stud like Mookie is to get top tier prospects back in return. Margot and Espinoza are two of the top rated prospects at their respective positions per this 2016 Pro Baseball Prospectus Magazine I just found under my seat on the bus. Feels like a no brainer type of move here for the Sox. Mookie and Manny Machado in the middle of that Padres lineup has all 17 Padres fans salivating at the very thought.

3. Mookie Betts For Vlad Guerrero Sr. and Vlad Guerrero Jr.
This one feels pretty obvious but I’ll write out my reasoning for you dumbos who don’t see the vision quite yet. The Blue Jays get an MVP caliber player to build around with their young core, the Red Sox get the best two humans named Vlad in history. This is the textbook definition of a win-win deal for both sides. The only hurdle would be trading in the division, but I think that’s small potatoes when you put a literal MVP on the table.

4. Mookie Betts For Chi Chi Gonzalez
Another one that doesn’t need much of an explanation: The Red Sox lack of human beings named Chi Chi is frankly alarming. If they go into yet another season without a Chi Chi on the roster they might as well pack up the team, burn Fenway to the ground, piss all over the ashes, then shatter Ted Williams’ frozen head and dump the rest of the body in the marsh.

5. Mookie Betts For Estevan Florial, Deivi Garcia, Michael King, and Miguel Andujar
The Yankees need a little bit more juice to get them over the hump known as the Houston Astros. This trade would instantly give them their best player, which is no small accomplishment given the talent on this roster. I honestly don’t see the negative here. They discovered this season that they can live without Andjuar, who will instantly replace J.D. Martinez as the Sox DH. Because if one thing has become abundantly clear it’s that J.D. Martinez clearly has not worked out in Boston which is why they’re letting him walk. Michael King went to Boston College, a national collegiate baseball powerhouse. And then Florial and Garcia help rebuild the Sox farm system. The Yankees get an MVP to play center field between Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton while keeping the incomparable Gio Urshela at third. If you removed the names of these franchises you’d be an idiot to call this anything other than the fairest trade you’ve ever seen. Hopefully these multi-billion dollar corporations can put their inane differences aside to agree to this accord as soon as humanly possible.